Wednesday, March 20, 2024

CrystalClearHoroscopes.com, by Harry the Human


Aries: With the moon in your lower torso contingent on the black veils of Jupiter, your prime number opts for congruency at the very least!


Taurus: You're full of bull as you trine your way past Neptune's insipid will to lose!


Gemini: You face twin regressions with the sun's failure to shine on your back or front door someday.


Cancer: Forget it- you're not going to save the world any time soon, regardless where your moon is.


Leo: Some lion! Don't try to roar while your house of communication is blurred by furry Mercury!


Virgo: So you're a virgin, or used to be! How does that get you listed in the International Norms of Astrological Nomenclature as "logical, practical and systematic," unless of course your 6th house of Approach/Avoidance is occluded by "logical" misgivings?


Libra: Oh Goddess of Balance and Humour, is the universe itself balanced? If you put the universe on one plate of your scale, what would you put to balance it on the other? If you answered, "Spaghetti and meatballs...Not!", you are a true Libra!


Scorpio: It's not a good day for Phallic Malice (is it ever?) so retract that stinger and wait until your moon cools off from the healing fumes of desire before attempting to appease your errant drive.


Sagittarius: Your impossible dream of horse/human confluence- dreamed regardless from head to tail- will sniff the breeze tonight for telltale pheromones to guide home the concupiscent arrow!


Capricorn: Tenacious, intelligent, single-minded...Oh wait, this is Capricorn? Sorry, you forgot to get a number and have to go to the end of the line.


Aquarius: Of course, if you're ruled by your own anus you're going to need some help pulling your moon out of it.


Pisces: Down to the depths you swim/ subconscious threads to trim/ hope of reprieve so slim/ just look at the shape you're in!