Dear Readers,
I'm sorry to have
left you up in the air regarding my partner in crime (i.e. cross-species
communication) whom I've billed "Robert the Telepathic Gila Monster."
You'll recall last week there was an attempted abduction of Robert by his
fellow gilas, a mob I haven't met, led by a faction that believes humans are
gilas' enemy and that Robert is a traitor for communicating with me. I've
been too busy chasing down leads in this story to do any blogging, but I wanted
to give you some updates. Robert is hiding out in the hills, in coyote
territory, and he's not very comfortable or safe. He is able to pick up
snippets of gila thought, which he relays to me.
I've gathered from Robert that the Gila Nation,
as they have come to call themselves, communicated briefly with the CIA's
ultra-secret Telepathic Unit (keep reading below for more on the TU). The
idea was that gilas, as a telepathic species, could teach things to the TU
(which is interested mostly in psychological warfare). The TU, Robert believes,
promised the gilas some sort of subservient place in the new order where humans will run
everything everywhere, and this naturally was a non-starter and relations
did not progress well.
So the Gila Nation (or GN), backed off politely from working with the TU and
humans in general. Robert, stuck between hungry coyotes and hostile
gilas, has done his best to glean current GN intentions. He reports that the gilas are in furious communication with other telepathic
elements in the biosphere, of which, he says, there are many.
Also, last night, I received one of Robert's signature messages to our species:
Humans of
earth! You have no idea how obnoxious and out of control you are.
If you could see it you would be horrified. Some of you do see it and kill
yourselves. Do you know why gilas never kill themselves? Because
nothing is ever our fault. People kill themselves because they think
things are their fault, and if you're human, they probably are, because just
about everything is your fault. You are so impossibly vain and arrogant
that you will unite the gilas and all other sentient elements of the biosphere
against you, and there will be a conspiracy against humanity not only from
the biosphere but from the very core of the earth. The conspiracy will
emanate from the same force that spat you out of the savannah and into the
desert, where you plotted your revenge. Now you think you've won; you are
confused. You think you are supposed to keep going, to prove to the
entire "observable universe" that you have a proper place, that you
belong. You dummies- you don't even know what 'belonging' means. You should listen to your poets more!
Sorry, don't shoot
the messenger! Robert's thoughts seem incomplete, but could you do better if a coyote were sniffing four feet from the rock you were under?
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